Fellow fans, Mariners second baseman Chone Figgins is too amazing to keep to ourselves.
As a Seattle Mariners season ticket holder, I feel a little guilty. For one year and one month now, I’ve been privy to the singular baseball experience that is Chone Figgins.
Whenever I see the 5-foot-8 Figgins take a huge swing at a high fastball and drive it nearly 120 feet, I think: “Shouldn’t we be sharing this with the world?”
Figgins is sheer excitement. He keeps his average so low that he can raise it drastically in a matter of days! And on those rare occasions when he does reach base, he provides unexpected thrills by getting picked off — three times just last week! That’s our Figgy.
Watching Figgins field is almost as heart-racing. Official scorers have charged Figgins with just four errors this year, but that doesn’t include all the playable but difficult balls he permits to bounce off his glove for singles.
Keeping Figgins to ourselves just isn’t fair. Maybe we could have him go on a tour of American cities this summer. I suggest we start by sending him to Tacoma, then Jackson, Tenn., then San Bernardino, Calif., then Clinton, Iowa, then Pulaski, Va, then Everett. And if he felt worn out after all that traveling, he could just take the rest of the year off.
I guess if Figgins were gone the Mariners might have to give more playing time to Adam Kennedy, who’s got the second-highest slugging percentage on the team, or Luis Rodriguez, who has as many walks as the supposedly discerning Figgins despite 70 fewer plate appearances, or promote talented top prospect Dustin Ackley. We’d also never get to hear “Gettin’ Jiggy Wit’ It” at Safeco Field again, which is too bad because that 13-year-old song is the kind of trendy music that brings young fans to the stadium.
Hey, I never said this would be painless. Sometimes you just have to do the right thing. Free Figgins now!