BY Mike Gastineau 08:00AM 02/08/2015

The Slant: A Seahawks football act in one play

A week ago, the stage was set for the greatest act in Seahawks history. Here’s the script for how it didn’t go to script in Glendale, AZ.

Russell Wilson aims the fateful pass to. . . Malcolm Butler (21). / Drew McKenzie, Sportspress Northwest

The Seahawks appear poised to pull victory from the jaws of defeat for the second consecutive game. After falling behind 28-24 to New England in the Super Bowl, they have the ball at the five-yard line courtesy of a circus catch by WR Jermaine Kearse. We join the team after a time out as QB Russell Wilson jogs into the huddle after talking with the coaching staff on the sidelines.

Russell Wilson:  “OK, fellas. Coach has the play for us. Now, remember, dreams . . .

dreams don’t come true. Dreams are MADE true. There’s no this, no that, no the

other. The preparation is in the separation . . . it’s not the –”

Max Unger:        “Russell. RUSSELL!”

Wilson:               “Yeah?”

Unger:                “The play. What’s the play, man?”

Wilson:              “Yeah. Right. Power dive to Beast.”

O Line:                “Yay!”

Marshawn Lynch: “I’m all ’bout that action, boss.”

Doug Baldwin:      “WHAT? GIVE IT TO BEAST MODE?? WHY? I’M ELITE! I’M

NOT PEDESTRIAN! THEY SHOULD GIVE IT TO ME! I POOPED IN THE END

ZONE!”

Wilson:                   “Hut!”

 Lynch gains four yards to the one. Second down, just under a minute to play. The Seahawks are inches away from a second consecutive Super Bowl win.

Unger:                     “Good job, Beast. Lemme shake your hand.”

Lynch:                      “One more play. boss. ‘Bout that action.”

Baldwin:                  “IS THAT PETER KING OVER THERE? HE THINKS I’M

PEDESTRIAN! HE DOESN’T THINK I’M ELITE! I POOPED IN THE END ZONE!

HEY, KING! I’M ELITE!”

O Line:                     “Beast! Beast! Beast! Beast!”

Lynch:                      “Stop freakin’! Call Beacon!”

Ricardo Lockette:   “Why am I even in the huddle?”

Baldwin:                    “HEY! JOHN CLAYTON! TELL PETER KING I’M ELITE! I

POOPED IN THE END ZONE! YOU EVER SEE JERRY RICE POOP IN THE END

ZONE? I DON’T THINK SO!”

Wilson:                       “OK guys, settle down. God is talking to me again in my helmet.”

Unger:                         “Russell . . . we’ve been over this. That’s not God in your helmet.

It’s Coach Bevell.”

Wilson:                        “OK, fellas. Bunch right, slant pass to the Rocket.”

Unger:                          “What?”

Lynch:                          “What?”

O Line:                          “What?”

Lockette:                       “What?”

Baldwin:                        “WHAT?”

Wilson:                          “You heard me. Slant to Ricardo. BREAK!”

Seahawks break the huddle. Inexplicably, before the biggest play of the year, Baldwin and Lynch line up on the wrong side of the formation. Lynch  notices and begins gesturing to Wilson.

 Lynch:                            “Psst! Russell!”

Wilson:                           “Is that you, God?”

Lynch:                             “No, man. It’s Beast. Me and Doug ‘sposed to be on the left.”

Wilson:                           “Oh, yeah. Get over there. Hey Doug! Motion to the other

side.”

Baldwin:                           “WAIT. ARE YOU TELLING ME WHAT TO DO? I KNOW

WHAT TO DO! I’M AN ELITE RECEIVER!”

Baldwin jogs past Wilson.

 Baldwin:                            “I POOPED IN THE END ZONE!”

Malcolm Butler:                 “Hey . . . wait a second. THIS is the formation Coach B

told me about. When he was screaming at me and telling me I’d better not let them

score on this play or he’d slice my arm off. These guys are gonna run a slant in front of

me.”

Brandon Browner:              “Why don’t you say that a little louder? I don’t think they

heard you.”

Butler:                               “Don’t worry. I think they’re committed.”

Tom Cable:                      “Pete! Why are we lined up like we’re gonna pass?”

Carroll:                              “Wasn’t that sunset last night beautiful?”

Cable:                                 “Bevell! Why are we lined up like we’re gonna…”

Wilson:                               “Set . . .Hut!”

Everyone not named

Carroll, Bevell, Wilson: “What the hell?”

Wilson:                              “Touchdown! Second Super Bowl ring! Here we go!”

Lockette:                          “I got thisOOOF!”

Astro Jetson:                  “Ruh roh!”

Butler:                                “No you don’t!”

Lynch:                                  “Dammit.”

Unger:                                  “Dammit.”

O Line:                                 “Dammit.”

Baldwin:                              “IF WE RUN A PASS PLAY HERE WE SHOULD RUN

IT TO AN ELITE RECEIVER LIKE ME! I WAS READY TO DROP ANOTHER

DEUCE!”

On the sidelines, the stunned coaching staff confers.

Bevell:                                 “Pete . . . you’re gonna take the heat for this. Right?”

Carroll:                               “Yeah . . . I’ll get my mommy blogger friend out in Pullman

to write some stuff about how everything is gonna be OK.”

Cable:                                  “I’m gonna eat everything in sight. Gain 50 pounds. And

punch someone right in the damn mouth.”

Bevell:                                    “Ricardo! How come you didn’t try harder to catch that

pass?”

Lockette:                                “WHAT?!”

Wilson:                                   “Hey, Coach! What time does the plane leave? I can’t wait

to get home and study film to see what happened. Let’s meet at 4 a.m.!”

Carroll:                                    “Win forever!”

FADE TO BLACK


YourThoughts

  • Bronzetan

    This was not even remotely funny

    • ReebHerb

      Gas got the essence right. Baldwin is a classless act.

    • just passing thru

      if it wasn’t funny, it’s only because it might be true…

    • sportspressnw

      Not even just a tiny bit?

  • notaboomer

    i like the conspiracy theory to elevate russell wilson better: http://www.thenation.com/blog/196697/conspiracy-theory-surrounding-seahawks-last-play

    • art thiel

      Now there’s some crap . . .

      • notaboomer

        always compete!

  • jafabian

    Gonna be a long offseason. The only way to shut the haters up is to do what the Patriots almost did but failed and that’s go undefeated and win the Super Bowl. If they stay healthy they can do it.

  • 1coolguy

    Well done! As sad as it was, at least he found some humour in Baldwin’s tacky act. I don’t object to dumping, shixxing, crapping on Baldwin at this point, as he gets what his classless butt deserves. I suggest Dougie take a few lessons from Wilson, Sherman, Thomas, Chancellor or most of the rest of the team.
    All I can say is if you’re going to pass down there, it HAS to be the roll-out option, period.

    • art thiel

      A fade to the edges of end zone can work too, and better avoids an INT.

  • Tman

    In the old days a call like that was referred to as a “Chuck Knox brain cramp.

    • art thiel

      A pass in the circumstance can be justified: The kind of pass and the target can’t.

  • HawkRick

    As painful as it was to read it, you gotta see the twisted humor in it. Bottom line guys, is that, I don’t think more than a handful of people in Hawk Nation would have run that EXACT play, it was VERY poorly executed route by Lockette and bad pass by Wilson. If executed properly, it’s a TD. Both Hugh Millen on KJR and Kurt Warner on NFL Network hit the nail on the head with the play by the Hawks. It’s an extremely painful mistake by the boys. Also, keep in mind that Lynch ran the ball from the 1 yd line 5 times this past season and he scored once. So it was not a ‘gimme’ by any means he would have scored. I would like to believe he would have gotten in, but you never know. But onward and forward to 2015. Just gotta give the players and coaches some time to sort through the entire process and get rested, then we turn the book over to next year.

    • art thiel

      As I’ve mentioned, my questions are two: Why a slant, and why Lockette.

  • Big

    What is done, is done.

  • Dave Johnson

    In the Super Bowl game, the big moment came
    And the Seahawks were ready to win.

    Had a run been the call
    Their confetti would fall;

    But that slant was the ultimate sin.

    It’s over and done, no trophy was won;
    The players have all gone away.

    What lingers around
    Is that terrible sound

    Of a train wreck from one awful play.

    • art thiel

      The play was apparently inspiring to more than Gas.

      • Dave Johnson

        It’s too bad that SB 49 will be remembered for that play rather than Jerome Kearse’s miraculous catch or the heroic efforts of the LOB. But if any team can keep it from defining them, it’s the Seahawks. Looking forward to the next chapter…

  • rosetta_stoned

    Well, there’s two minutes of my life I won’t get back.

    • sportspressnw

      ¯_(ツ)_/¯

    • Justin Van Eaton

      waaaah, lol

  • Scott Crosser

    FUNNY FUNNY! That said most of us can only aspire to think and follow through like Pete and RW

  • David Freiboth

    Wow, has so much been written about “why did they call that play” that its come down to crap??

    • art thiel

      Gas is trying to lighten the mood, Dave. A heavy lift for all.

      • David Freiboth

        Fair enough, Art. I guess my comment was a bit harsh. My apologies Mr. Gastineau.

  • Justin Van Eaton

    Some people need to lighten up. Relax. It’s okay to poke fun once in a while.